moralized | { psl: to london }

{ psl: to london }

[ The last days of the year which were meant to be spent in merriment with family were unfortunately tainted at Longbourn by the failure of Wickham to return. At first Lydia seemed content to laugh it off, saying this was not the first time he'd done such a thing, but as the third day arrived with no word from him, Lydia began to show cracks in her carefree facade. The rest of the party was of course concerned and the Darcy family took their leave early as Mr. Darcy took it upon himself to track the scoundrel down. Georgina was saddened to have to leave the large family gathering early and both she and Kitty wept at the parting. To Mary, Miss Darcy gave real compliments towards her music and said how she regretted she could not have heard more in their time together. Thankfully she made no mention of Mr. Cartwright and the two shook hands and parted as budding acquaintances.

Days more passed and it seemed someone was hiding Wickham very well. Their loyalty to him was surprising because usually money would loosen the lips of his ilk, but no leads surfaced. Lydia declared that she had been used very ill and would not have him if he returned. Mr. Bennet wished to wash his hands of the whole matter but knew that under the eyes of his wife, his daughters, and even God that he simply would have to put up with his wayward child being in residence until after the baby was born.

Despite the tense atmosphere, there was one event that would be going forward despite the recent interruption. Kitty was to be married and to London she must go to purchase wedding clothes. Mrs. Gardiner invited Kitty and whoever else in the household was chaperoning her to stay at the Gardiner residence and plans were made. In the meantime the Bingleys took their leave as Jane felt she could do little more to calm Lydia during this time. As much as Lydia declared she was fine to ride in a carriage and simply must go to London, the town doctor disagreed and said she was to stay put for the rest of her confinement. Mrs. Bennet insisted that she had to stay with her dear child in her delicate condition and so it was put on Mary to chaperone Kitty to town where their aunt would be chaperone to both.

Mary naturally felt put upon at having to play a role in all this, but of course did not give voice to it as she might have once done. Kitty was trying to improve herself and even Lydia's unexpected return did not make her relapse into her old ways. She had become more cautious in her speech, less excitable about frivolous things, and when she was given the money for her clothes by their father, she met his eyes as he instructed her on its express purpose and nodded her head seriously. This new attitude made for a more pleasant carriage ride than Mary had been expecting and by the time they had reached London she somehow knew all there was to know about Kitty's intended and yet was not sick to death of the mention of him. Truly Kitty had grown if she had succeeded in not devolving into raptures.

The pair were greeted at the Gardiners' door by all of their cousins who had rushed out in excitement at the sight of the carriage they had been looking for through the window. Mrs. Gardiner soon joined them and all were ushered inside amid a great deal of chatter from the children. Naturally the Bennet sisters were given time to rest, but they would be attending the theater that evening and had to make ready to leave that evening. Mary disliked the speed which with things occurred in London, but she was also punctual and far from the last one downstairs to leave. Now she simply had to hope the performance was good and the crowds not too pressing. ]

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( noticing miss bennet's deliberate and constant glances at mr cartwight, mr hickinbottom hides his frown behind his teacup. if he was indeed correct in his belief that mr cartwright enjoys some inheritance of sort, miss bennet might find him the more attractive prospect. so, to alleviate his doubt, mr hickinbottom asks, "are you married, mr cartwright?"

atticus's jaw clenches. ) I am not. ( his head turns to miss bennet's direction but, as his gaze is down, he does not look at her. ) Matrimony is of no interest to me. ( the former statement is spoken entirely for the benefit of mr and mrs gardiner. whatever friendship (however one-sided) remains between their niece and mr cartwright is nothing more than platonic. nothing more than two strangers who spend an hour together in the dusty, sunlit aisles of a bookstore before forever parting. neither needs to concern that his intentions are anything but proper and ordinary.

matrimony is an indulgence not for atticus. but, in moments of escape, he has considered the characteristics his ideal mate must possess. independence, for one. not merely independent of pursuits but of mind and judgement. she would not dictate her life around others' opinions, even his. secondly and naturally, they must share similar interests and views on morality. he could not spend his life with someone who does not love music and literature as he does. lastly, she must carry within her a vagabond spirit equal to his own. he would no longer travel alone but with a companion who would partake in the same joy and misery as he.

alas, none of this will come to pass. a woman of intelligence and education would not have him as he is without money or title, and any woman willing to have him without money or title would possess the intelligence and education he desires. and so atticus does not submit himself to the agony of this fanciful notion. it would be more pragmatic to imagine himself flying.

mr hickinbottom's mind eases from mr cartwright's declaration. although the challenge of securing miss bennet persists, at least now he needs not worry that mr cartwright is also a participant for her affection. as far as he has gathered, miss bennet has no additional attachments or prospects. )

[ Naturally there had been rumors around Meryton as to why the gentleman was unattached, but no one ever really gave them serious weight. A man could be near forty and still unmarried if he chose, and people would not speak ill of it the way they would if the subject was a woman. Still, hearing the words from his lips hits Mary in a completely unexpected way. Her expression remains neutral but on the inside it feels as though she's been drenched in cold water. Why such an admission as that should cause such a reaction should be a mystery to her. She should find it strangely odd and remain detached from it all. But no. In this moment she knows exactly what she's feeling. It's disappointment. And immediately she scolds herself for it. Disappointment implies she had held any sort of hope for herself and that is some fanciful wish she won't indulge in at all.

In trying to force her mind away from the thought, another strays in. This is a good thing. Were he married, they couldn't remain friends. Were she married, they couldn't remain friends. His preference ensures that nothing need change between them and realizing this relaxes her. No, it is not a bad thing at all. ]

While matrimony is the seemingly singular goal of all women, men are at the distinct advantage to not be required to do so if they have no wish to.

[ It's said in that way Mary has where she inserts herself into the conversation without preamble and goes on until her point is made. ]

And I can see little advantage to Mr. Cartwright marrying if he is content as he is, while I see a great disadvantage were he to wed. That being that he and I would no longer be able to socialize as friends. As we do now.

[ The statement makes Kitty titter with laughter. "Why, Mary, I had no idea you'd want to keep a man from marrying!" Mary purses her lips a moment. ]

I am keeping him from nothing. He made his standpoint clear. I merely observed that I was in approval of it.

[ "For your own selfish reasons," Kitty adds, though there is no heat to it, merely amusement. Mary doesn't see how what she's pointed out was wrong. ]

I was merely supporting his convictions.

[ Throughout the exchange, Mr. Hickinbottom has been trying to figure out a way to impress upon Miss Bennet the delights of matrimony, thinking Mr. Cartwright's position would be anathema to her. Instead he finds her in approval of the statement. He's trying to course correct like a fisherman coming across brambles hanging over the water. He needs to steer away before he's stuck. ]

( yet again, mr hickinbottom demonstrates to be a creature worthy of contempt as his simple question unleashes a torrent of debate between miss bennet and her sister. uneasy about the discussion and being the centre of it, atticus shifts in his seat. his hair conceals his ears reddening to a similar colour to his jacket. he did not speak the words to gain favour or to generate conversation. whether or not the others approve of his decision matters little to him. it is his life, and if he decides never to experience the bliss of matrimony, then so be it. he will seek fulfilment elsewhere.

and, as he is without designs to marry, he cannot have an opinion on if married people are welcome to associate with unmarried people of the opposite sex. he cannot think of any reason why not, so long as the association was entirely friendly with no intent of adultery. a change in marital status should not mean the loss of a friendship. as women have nothing but a rage to live, they should be allowed to grab happiness from whither they can.

remaining silent, atticus focuses on his tea and wishes that someone would break the hush that has settled at the table with a change in conversation. yet again, mr hickinbottom demonstrates to be a creature who cannot tolerate a moment without the sound of his voice as he asks miss kitty and miss bennet about meryton, longbourn, and their parents. despite the contempt that clouds his view of mr hickinbottom, atticus is, to an extent, grateful that the man has decided to steer away from talk of matrimony to another topic of discussion.

at the risk of appearing too forward, mr hickinbottom chose to direct his interest to her background and life. if miss bennet could speak about herself, he would then know what to discuss and in what manner. but it is miss kitty who cheerfully answers his questions, either unaware or indifferent to mr hickinbottom's attempt to induce her sister to converse with him.

when she mentions that longbourn is a mile from meryton and mr cartwright's home, mr gardiner asks, "i understand you stay at mr cawthon's former fishing lodge, mr cartwright."

atticus nods, and his voice is relieved of the uneasiness he felt only a few minutes prior. ) Aye, sir. But the pond it sits upon is nearly devoid of fish. I believe this is why Mr Cawthon gave it up in the first place. Do you know the place?

( "a little. i fished there several times whenever mr cawthon and i were both in meryton. but the last occasion was years ago when mary and kitty were still little girls."

against his determination to remain detached and severe, atticus smiles at the brief thought of miss bennet as a serious little girl. ) Did Miss Bennet or Miss Kitty ever join you and Mr Cawthon on your fishing expeditions?

[ Mr. Gardiner gives a merry laugh. It's the type that is still entirely respectable instead of a braying, horrid sound, but it does show his good-humor.

"I am afraid not. Little girls rarely take interest in such things. I cannot imagine they would wish to touch worms or remove a fish from its hook." Kitty looks queasy at the very idea while Mary's face is more neutral as she contemplates such a thing. She had never been invited to go, but she can't imagine herself enjoying such an endeavor. ]

I have always preferred indoor pursuits.

[ Mr. Hickinbottom scoots forward in his chair with unbridled excitement. Finally, he can make some progress with her.

"Please, Miss Bennet, if you would enlighten me as to your interests? I should very much enjoy hearing about them." He's thinking embroidery, painting, designing firescreens, tracing silhouettes. All that nonsense that young women whittle away their time doing while waiting for a marriage proposal. ]

I read a great deal. I examine the intricacies of human nature and make observations. I also study various subjects to gather a better understanding of the world.

[ The amount of good it has done her has sadly been less than it should have been with her weaker understanding and no tutor to guide her on the right path. ]

I also enjoy playing music.

[ Naturally Mr. Hickinbottom implores her to give them a performance, gesturing to the pianoforte in the room. She politely declines, giving no reason but wishing to finish her tea. However, the young man is not so easily dissuaded, insisting that he simply must experience her skills. He will be beside himself until he's heard her. Mary exchanges a look with her aunt. The older woman seemed perturbed by this sudden request, knowing it has slipped beyond politeness into bad manners, but unwilling to make a scene about it either. She inclines her head to her niece, encouraging her to play, so Mary stands and approaches the instrument. Mr. Hickinbottom dabs at his mouth with his napkin before leaving the table and approaching her.

"You will need someone to turn the pages," he says to Mary before she's really had the chance to look through the pieces available and she decides it's not worth it to argue with him. She selects a simple song - Pleyel's Andante - as she's not in the mood to think too hard about what she's playing. She sits and begins with the man hovering beside her. ]

( as he does not want to begin an argument with the master of the house, atticus elects to remain silent on the matter. not all little girls take an interest in fishing, but perhaps some would if given the opportunity. but, as atticus has little experience with children, he acquiesces to mr gardiner's judgement. he also continues to be silent when mr hickinbottom insists on hearing miss bennet play, as it's not his place to point out his rudeness. the others at the table turn and crane their necks to watch the pair at the pianoforte, but atticus remains facing front, once again looking at the landscape painting. he has listened to miss bennet play this song so often, usually as part of her warm-up, that he needn't look at her to imagine her fingers gliding across the keys and the serenity that comes upon her face like the morning sun through open windows and lace curtains.

when she finishes playing, and after the applause has died down, atticus finally turns around in his chair. miss bennet is still at the pianoforte, which is smaller but more elegant than the one at longbourn, while mr hickinbottom stands near her. ) Do you play, Mr Hickinbottom?

( he replies, "no, sir. i am unfortunate in that regard." mr hickinbottom's expression is of mild dejection as if recalling a childhood misery, and he hopes miss bennet notices it before he casts his gaze away. while there is truth in his statement, the misfortunate is because of a lack of interest rather than a lack of funds. in the hickinbottom parlour room once sat a pianoforte; old, yes, but still perfectly functional. his brothers and sister found entertainment in learning songs, but this hickinbottom only found disturbance. he really has neither the mind nor the patience for playing music. )

I apologise, then, for my presumption. Since you were so enthused to hear Miss Bennet, I assumed you also played.

( mr hickinbottom's eyes narrow, and he is quick to clarify himself, "i do not play but i still take great enjoyment in music." he is a wolf stalking his prey as he seeks to speak the right words and act the right way that will deliver to him miss bennet's hand. there is no topic he wouldn't align his opinion to match hers.

a sharp grin, similar to a pilfering fox's, cuts into atticus's cheeks. ) Mr Hickinbottom, this is a fortuitous meeting. Indeed it is, for I imagine you won't find a person who finds greater enjoyment in music than Miss Bennet. Do you not agree? ( only sincerity shines in his words, just like the amusement shining in his eyes as they settle on the young lady for the first time today. despite her lack of instruction and skill at the pianoforte, her enjoyment of music radiates from her whenever she plays. it is difficult to enjoy something when one is not particularly talented at it, but miss bennet possesses the discipline and wisdom to enjoy it nonetheless.

but he does not find such dignity in mr hickinbottom. in him, atticus detects a strictness that demands that effort only be spent on what he would consider applicable and profitable. music, he suspects, is not an effort mr hickinbottom would consider well-spent. and so, atticus feels compelled to shine a light on this trait, both for miss bennet's benefit and for the satisfaction that emerges from exposing deceivers like mr hickinbottom. ) Pray, enlighten us as to your favourite composers.

[ Mary knows her tea is cold by now so she stays seated at the instrument a bit longer. It's certainly fancier than her simple practice one in her bedroom and even moreso than the family one that belongs to the estate. The sound is rich and perfectly tuned and she's sure she'll play it again before her stay here is over.

Turning slightly on the bench as Mr. Cartwright speaks, she feels great relief when his eyes finally meet hers. So much so that she nearly misses the compliment paid to her, but once it registers her face begins to feel hot at the praise. There was a time that she equated taking pleasure in music with the amount of successful, flawless performances she gave, but now there is a true enjoyment for the sound itself and how it's nearly transcendent. Music can transport you to another place and time, can alter your mood, and bring a peace unlooked for but cherished all the same.

Mr. Cartwright's inquiry throws Mr. Hickinbottom off his game for a moment. Quickly, his gaze flickers back to the music sheets Miss Bennet was just playing and he answers, "Well, Pleyel, naturally. And... there are so many talented composers that I have a hard time choosing." He looks towards Mary, expression softening as if talking to a child or an invalid. "Surely you feel the same way, Miss Bennet. There are simply too many to pick favorites." ]

On the contrary, sir. I favor Mozart, Piccinni, Wesley, Rosetti, and Miss Martines.

[ Mr. Hickinbottom has heard of several of those composers, even if he can't remember which pieces of theirs he's heard, but he smiles as if she just unlocked the key to his heart.

"Such taste! I agree completely. They all have their merits and I would be delighted to hear any of their compositions as long as they are performed by you."

Again, Mary's face feels hot. He's playing to her vanity that has lay dormant for some time now, but the urge to be noticed and thought of is always there. ]

Perhaps. If there is such an opportunity.

[ Now she stands to return to the table while her sister and aunt look at each other with secret smiles, amazed at how Mr. Hickinbottom has come to favor Mary so quickly. He must truly adore music! However, once back at the table Mary's eyes fall on Mr. Cartwright again as she's still happily thinking of his compliment over anything Mr. Hickinbottom said, which has faded into the background. ]

Mr. Cartwright is a great appreciator of music and possesses a great deal of talent himself.

( when mr hickinbottom begins to fawn over miss bennet, atticus turns back in his chair, the movement obscuring his eyes rolling. does the gentleman believe miss bennet is easier to be played on than a pipe? he is under the illusion that if he says the right words, he will win her hand. it will not be by force but by duplicity. surely, he has not been misled into thinking that miss bennet's dowry is anything substantial or that their marriage will yield any influence? it is not as if the wealth and power of her brothers-in-law has spread to her like water over a smooth surface. if by some act of the devil they were married, he, mr bingley, and mr darcy would remain nothing more than associates bound together through marriage. atticus cannot claim to know either of the gentlemen well, but he does believe that mr darcy would reach the same conclusion within the first moments of their meeting.

unless mr hickinbottom has also deluded himself into believing he can charm and deceive whoever stands in his way. it is a delusion indeed! call atticus whatever instrument though he can be fretted, he cannot be played upon.

the pair rejoin the others at the table, and a frisson of delight surges through him from miss bennet's compliment. his ears redden as he sips his tea and asks, ) Do either of you play, Mr and Mrs Gardiner?

( mrs gardiner answers, "i do, but nowhere near as well as mary. our eldest, caroline, is currently taking lessons, and we hope the others follow when they are old enough. mr gardiner and i are united in the belief that skill in music is but one facet of a well-rounded individual."

atticus smiles, nodding in agreement. ) A noble belief indeed.

( eager to appear prudent, mr hickinbottom mirrors his expression and also nods.

"i think mary mentioned you play the violin, sir. did your parents observe a similar principle?" mrs gardiner asks. )

Perhaps. ( his mouth works as if a stone was caught in his teeth, and his expression dulls like a cloud passing over the sun. ) Forsooth, I hardly knew their motivations in anything.

( his mother, lady madeline, played the violin, so it may have been her wish that he did as well. she was talented enough that she should have played in front of audiences and royalty, if her father had not forbidden her. playing then is a kinship, perhaps the only one atticus shares with her. he knows so little of her that he has to seize at anything. lord stuart wishes he had never picked up the violin, or that's what atticus believes. music or even the act of entertainment never brought his father any joy as it did when his mother performed it. the servants had to take it upon themselves to place the violin into atticus's hands and then hire a tutor. after the light of his life was extinguished, his father veiled himself from further illumination.

it's a plight that plagues every child: unravelling the tangled knots left behind by their parents. he had only one parent for most of his life, but his mind is like a ball of twine after a roll down a hill. )

It's a great disappointment that I did not bring my violin to London. Rarely am I ever presented with the opportunity to play for a group of music enthusiasts such as this.

( the cloud passes by atticus's face, and a glee shines in his green eyes as they slide across to mr hickinbottom, who is unimpressed by the discussion of his accolades. atticus would have insisted on a duet with miss bennet. )

[ The discussion settling on music is a delight to Mary, but as is so often the case, her expression hardly shows any of her feelings beyond the briefest hint of happiness in her eyes. ]

It is unfortunate indeed, but I am grateful to have heard you play many times.

[ Mr. Hickinbottom does not like this gratitude of hers directed towards another man when his plans to move ever upward currently hinge on securing her as quickly as possible. He tries to think up a way to steer the conversation away from Cartwright and on to Miss Bennet's own achievements with music, but before he can speak Mrs. Gardiner adds: "Perhaps someday we will have the pleasure." She nods to Mr. Cartwright, making it clear that she is offering to continue the acquaintance. He is certainly a little odd and perhaps lackadaisical, but he is a friend of her brother-in-law and her niece so there is no need to shy away from future encounters.

Finally Mr. Hickinbottom finds a brief moment to make his move. "I am sure that no one can lament what might have been when we have such an extraordinary performer before us here. Tell me, Miss Bennet, are you the favored performer of all your acquaintances in Meryton? I daresay everyone pales in comparison to you." He's laying it on quite thickly now, but he needs to sever this tie to Cartwright as soon as possible.

Mary is a little unsure how to respond to this. It's true that most in Meryton would probably proclaim her the most proficient in music by a wide margin. She was spoken of as the most accomplished girl as had always been her goal. But her shame at her performance during the Netherfield ball still sometimes hangs over her no matter how she tries to move past it. She was a different girl then with different goals. She put on airs though she hadn't realized it at the time and it was to her detriment. Choosing her words carefully, she replies: ]

I am thought of as accomplished, yes. I have performed a great many times but in recent months I have chosen to... be more selective as to who hears me perform.

[ There is no reason to speak on the state of Meryton and the way it treats those who they deem have behaved inappropriately. ]

But there are always young ladies who enjoy music and will perform. They are hardly bereft for having lost my performances.

[ "And everyone wanted you to perform jolly music so they could dance, which you hated to do," Kitty adds with a smile. In a way, that's true, for Mary always wished to play complicated pieces to amaze her audience, but all anyone wanted was to use her for their own fun. Now Mary wonders if she could have seen past the easy sheet music to actually absorb what she was playing to have enjoyed it to. Perhaps. After all, she enjoys the simple songs she plays for her cousins because of how they react.

As she considers these factors, Mr. Hickinbottom laments the people of Meryton the great loss of her musical abilities while again expressing how fortunate he - a great appreciator of music, you remember - is to have witnessed her playing. Mary snaps herself from her musings at the end of one of his raptures to find him looking at her expectantly. Oh. ]

I enjoy playing lively music for our cousins.

[ Which is going back to work off of what Kitty said in the hopes they were still talking about music for dancing when her mind started to wander. ]

( the fly that was once merely humming around his ears is now biting at his skin. annoyance snaps to discomfort as mr hickinbottom continues to spin his fulsome words towards miss bennet. the black tea turns acerbic in atticus's mouth. surely, he is not the only one who can detect the falsehood in the man's tone and countenance. indeed, he must be because if any other person could, they would also be endeavouring to impede the pollution spewing from his mouth like smoke from a tannery. once, he thought mr hickinbottom was a worm, but that was an incorrect comparison in hindsight. atticus now thinks of him as nothing more than a rat — brown hair, brown clothing, and vacant eyes that barely conceal his greediness and the overwhelming desire to consume. chewing, clawing, and scraping to make his way.

clearing his throat of bile, atticus interjects himself into the conversation, speaking with the cheerfulness and lightness that belies his intention to illuminate the absurdity of mr hickinbottom's fulsome compliments. ) All the Bennet sisters are accomplished. They play. They dance. They speak French, and I know not what! ( he looks at miss kitty, who is quietly fiddling with the lace trim on the sleeve of her dress. ) I understand, Miss Kitty, that you are talented at embroidery. ( praise is effulgent in his voice, and it is not entirely false. he has seen some of her works on tables or hanging during his visits to longbourn as he is led through the hallways into the parlour or mr bennet's library, and they are quite good.

surprised, miss kitty's gaze shifts from her dress to mr cartwright, and her cheeks pinken. after mary's performance on the pianoforte, she had not expected further compliments to be directed her way. least of all, not from mr cartwright, who appears to be more impressed by musical talent like that displayed by her sister rather than the frivolous talents possessed by herself. "thank you, sir. but i can hardly call myself talented when the thread still tangles, and the fabric still bunches if i'm not watchful." )

But you are young, and so with experience and practice, you will improve. I was not a virtuoso when I began. And neither was your aunt or your sister, I presume.

[ Mary shifts her attention to this new topic of conversation and has to admit to herself that Mr. Cartwright has paid more attention to Kitty's skill than Mary herself. In the Bennet household everything had felt like a competition against her sisters. They were all beautiful and lively, though Jane a little less lively than the other three. Mary never saw herself as with them, but against them; vying for attention. And yet, she feels now that perhaps she and Kitty were the two most ignored of the group. Jane was the oldest and most beautiful, Elizabeth was naturally witty and charming, and Lydia was loud and demanded notice. Mary was plain, moralized at every occasion, and had nothing more to recommend her than playing the pianoforte. Kitty was pretty, but pushed into Lydia's shadow with only officers and lace to fill her head. They had both been neglected and now they are both grown women, trying to find space for themselves in the world. And Kitty has found hers up in the north.

It shouldn't be hard for Mary to accept herself as she is. For a long time she's known that she would never be the object of a man's affections and if any asked for her hand it would be out of simple practicality. She has prepared for that. But as Kitty thanks Mr. Cartwright and goes on to tell a story about how her Mr. Hamilton first noticed her lace because it got caught on his cuff link and they were temporarily stuck together, Mary examines the look on her sister's face. Kitty has matured, and instead of the giddy girl practically bouncing off the walls as she dreamed of officers, her expression is that of a woman in love. And Mary briefly wonders what it would feel like to be in love. It must be like warmth coursing through the body with a heart beating rapidly against the rib cage. It must feel like butterflies in the stomach. It must feel like the cold shock of ice against the skin when seeing the one you love talking to someone else and feelings of jealousy arise. And as each of these thoughts come to her, they're accompanied by a memory of when Mr. Cartwright made her feel just such a way.

As if on cue, her heart beats against her rib cage as her eyes slowly lift to look at him. Clarity has taken far, far too long to come to her, but it's here now. The way he makes her feel is unlike anyone else. His praise, his attention, his honesty and integrity are unlike anyone else's behavior towards her. No one else would have ever come to her rescue at Christmas after Lydia's harsh words. No one else would seek her out in a crowded room and wish to speak to her. There is no one else she would rather give her heart to, even knowing the painful reality that such affections as hers will never be returned. He will never want a wife. But she can make peace with that. Right now, this is enough.

"And when all was said and done I truly didn't mind. It motivated me to improve my technique and make an even better trim to replace it." Kitty finishes her story about her betrothed accidentally stretching her lace sleeve trim and turns to Mary to address her. But whatever she might have said is lost as she sees her sister's expression and quickly says, "Mary! Are you unwell?"

Immediately Mr. Hickinbottom - who was thoroughly examining the texture of a scone so he didn't have to listen to talk of lace - sits upright and gives all his attention to Mary, saying her name with great concern. By now she's teared her gaze away from Mr. Cartwright to briefly look at her sister and that dislodges the tear she hadn't realized had gathered in the corner of her eye. Quickly, she ducks her head and turns in her chair to hide her face from the party. ]

No, no; quite well. I believe I have something in my eye. An eyelash perhaps.

[ Shooting out of his chair, Mr. Hickinbottom is rounding the table to her side to aid her.

"I will help you remove it, Miss Bennet. Leave it to me." ]

Pray, do not trouble yourself!

[ Mary says it in a panic, wanting the overly eager man to leave her alone. Instead she stands and moves past him, muttering about finding a mirror in her room. He is becoming quite too much. Never before has she wished so much to not be noticed. ]

( miss kitty takes this as an opportunity to recount how she and mr hamilton first became acquainted. it is a charming story and, through her account, tempts atticus into curiosity. he makes it no secret that he finds most clergymen to be pretentious and dull, who find greater concern in securing their own place in heaven rather than helping their parishioners. but from miss kitty's glowing praises, both in her words and expression, mr hamilton appears to be the outlier to atticus's long-held perception. he is a kind, considerate man who takes joy in his sermons, parishioners, and life. it sounds like if god is merciful in his works and purposes, it would indeed be a blessing to meet mr hamilton.

although, it is possible miss kitty speaks of her betrothed as someone too dazzled by love to notice the imperfections. the rays of the sun that provide light and warmth can also scorch. but he shan't reproach her or her feelings. just because atticus closed his heart off does not mean he condemns others for not doing so as well.

miss kitty ends her story with an exclamation about her sister's ill look. as atticus turns his head to behold miss bennet's ailment, mr hickinbottom leaps from his chair and rushes over to aid her. in the ensuing disorder, no one should notice how atticus rolls his eyes and groans under his breath. the man is truly repugnant. miss bennet is wise enough to decline his help and hurries from the room with him close behind. barely looking up from his tea, atticus hisses, ) For heaven's sake, Hickinbottom, she is capable of remedying it herself.

( that is enough to dissuade mr hickinbottom from following her, and he returns to his chair, a frown pulling at his expression. miss bennet leaves behind an awkward scene, so mr gardiner breaks it, and clears his throat, standing up. "i'd say it's time we return to the office now, eh hickinbottom?"

he follows his boss's motion and stands, though reluctant. "so soon? i would very much like to wait for miss bennet to return so i can bid farewell."

atticus takes this as an opportunity and stands as well. if he should find miss bennet on the landing, he shall bid his farewell, but he has no intention of staying a moment longer to await her return. ) I, too, believe it is time I take my leave.

( as if on cue, the door leading to the hallway opens, but instead of miss bennet entering the room, tis the youngest gardiner, robert, a boy of barely eight. cheerfully, he greets his parents, "ahoy there, mama and papa. is tea finished yet?"

"not yet, robert. go back to the others," mrs gardiner replies, patient and serene in her voice and countenance.

under his mop of brown hair, the lad groans that his brother and sisters refuse to entertain him and his desire to play pirates, so he is bored. he squints, and his gaze turns to mr hickinbottom, then to atticus, then back to mr hickinbottom before finally back to atticus. "which one of you is the gentleman i've heard so much about?"

mrs gardiner's eyes widen just a little, and she immediately admonishes her son, "robert! that is impolite."

he bows. "pardon me then. i am robert gardiner, and i would be delighted to make the acquaintance of the well-travelled gentleman that mary and kitty often speak of."

before the well-travelled gentleman can respond, miss kitty cuts in to admonish her cousin. "robert! you shouldn't eavesdrop." it is fortunate that mary isn't here to listen to robert reveal each point of discussion shared in confidence between the sisters while naughty boys hide behind corners or under tables. nervously, she glances at mr cartwright, who appears amused instead of annoyed, like mr hickinbottom, or embarrassed, like his parents.

atticus laughs, and its warmth and genuineness put kitty and the gardiners at ease. he can hardly fault a child for bursting through their seams with spirit and enthusiasm so rarely seen or approved of in adults. ) That is I, Mr Gardiner. ( he takes his seat, and waves the boy over. ) Come. Keep your cousin's seat warm while we wait for her to return.

( robert happily takes the invitation and trots over to fill in the empty seat. the two gentlemen who remained standing also sit down. both mr hickinbottom and atticus have expressed (however enthusiastic) an interest in saying goodbye to Miss Bennet, so they both will linger longer. )

[ Mary quickly ascends the stairs to the room she and her sister are sharing and sits before the vanity. Taking a slow, cleansing breath, she tells herself to be calm and sensible. There is no reason to put herself into a state over her feelings. From the outside nothing has changed between herself and Mr. Cartwright and so it shall remain. It doesn't take her long to convince herself of it and she's about to stand when she catches her reflection in the mirror and leans in to examine her appearance.

There have been periods where Mary scrutinized her every feature and just as many where she refused to look in a mirror. There have been times when she cursed her ill luck and times when she scolded herself for her vanity. Today Mary's eyes take in her features and conclude that she is nothing more than just plain. It is a good reminder to remain as she is and to not let the recent understanding of her heart give her grand ideas of things that shall never be. Satisfied that things will be the same moving forward, she returns to the group, a little annoyed to see Mr. Hickinbottom has not yet returned to his work but also pleased that Mr. Cartwright has yet to leave. ]

I apologize for my sudden departure. All is well.

[ Her little cousin stands from her seat and returns it to her, saying: "Mr. Cartwright was just about to tell us of his extensive travels." Mary's eyes travel to the man and a brief smile touches her lips. ]

I always enjoy hearing of the places he's been. It is good I have not missed it.

[ Robert is excited to hear about it and Kitty beckons him over to share her seat with her, scooting to one side of it. As the slimmest one here, it makes sense to her to share.

"Have you been to Corfu?" he asks, hands resting on his knees. "I read about a siege that happened there." ]

( atticus rescinds his previous statement.

he does not like mr robert gardiner, nor does he find his antics amusing now that he is forced to stay longer and speak about himself and his travels. his eyes shift among the party, and all appear interested in what he will say. except, of course, for mr hickinbottom, where annoyance is barely restrained on the man's thin face. how terrible is it to finally share a common understanding with mr hickinbottom? a more immediate urge to leave overcomes atticus before they come upon yet another agreement. distance and fresh air will aid in regaining his senses and dislike for the man.

atticus shifts in his chair, uneasy. corfu is an enigma. though he did not experience the level of brutality his landbound compatriots did, he also bore witness to unspeakable acts. he had partaken in them, readily even. still, to attach remorsefulness or ruefulness to his confessions of these acts would be misleading. he does not regret his actions taken in corfu. and yet, he avoids reminiscing too deeply about his time there. like a scar, it is faded, hidden, even forgotten until touched or a storm creeps over the horizon. )

Many sieges have happened there. It is, after all, the bulwark of the Christian states against Ottoman power. Peculiar, given the island's origins as a martial gift from Poseidon. ( his eyebrows knit together as if he just noticed the peculiarity of it himself. )

For centuries, the Ottomans have laid siege to Corfu, and the Venetians have triumphed each time. On this occasion, however, we besieged the island against Napoleon. ( his jaw works, and thunder rumbles in his ears. not napoleon but donzelot — gentle, charming, and capable in his abilities and duty. yet war makes devils of them all. he clears his throat, hoping that is enough to liven his sullen expression. ) But, I hesitate to expound as the siege is so recent and, thus, coloured by bias and secrecy. Regardless, this is neither the time nor the audience to recount the story. Corfu is beautiful, however. Rugged mountains, half-crumbled ruins from the Byzantine days, and pristine waters as clear and blue as the sky. And its people — Homer wrote they eclipse the world in sailing, nimble footwork, dance, and song, and I believe it is still true today.

( though that is hearsay as atticus never had the opportunity to see for himself. in vain, the british royal navy lays siege to the island, and, in vain, they have not succeeded, aside from capturing donzelot's library. he can only speculate about the beauty found in corfu. with a rather rueful tone, he says, ) I apologise, Mr Gardiner, if that does not satisfy your curiosity, but that is all I can say for now. With every hope, the war should be over by the time you are old enough to travel, and you can see Corfu for yourself.

( and perhaps, by that time, atticus will find the fortitude to see corfu for himself as well. war has not stopped him from travelling and seeing the world. so why should he allow mere memories of war to stop him? )

[ The little master's eyes widen, picking up on Mr. Cartwright's exact phrasing as only a child could do.

"You mean to say that you lay siege to Corfu? You are in the military?" Mrs. Gardiner, who has not had such intelligence reach her ears as to Mr. Cartwright's career, interjects with her calm voice.

"I believe the gentleman speaks of the British Empire when he says 'we,' my dear." Though her eyes travel to the man in question so he himself may confirm her logic. Mary's eyes lock on him as well, and though she's never felt her heart flutter at the thought of officers as her sisters had, her mind briefly conjures images of a scarlet coat and a dark blue one. She wonders which shade would better bring out the brightness of his eyes. ]

I have read of such waters existing in the world. It is a shame they should be so far away from England, but perhaps the distance makes them feel more special to those who have not the luxury to view them regularly.

[ Not for the first time her mind wanders to a place where she indulges in the fantasy of travel with no restrictions. With no harsh conditions or dangers. Her mind would be expanded from the new experiences she would have. But alas, such dreams are better left on the shelf. She has her books to tell her of such places and that must be enough. ]

( once. a long time ago. another lifetime ago. another person ago.

in the halls of bottreaux castle hangs a portrait miniature of atticus in his naval uniform, the dark blue of the wool jacket starkly contrasting the plain white backdrop. leastwise, it was when he last visited. in the portrait, he was a decade younger, and though untouched by war and hardship, his expression bore a somberness like that of a graveyard. still, his features retained a soft, almost angelic quality as if botticelli himself had put the brush to ivory (in actuality, it was the great miniaturist, john smart, highly regarded for his detailed and realistic portraits).

lord cecil, as he was then known, had recently received his commission as a lieutenant abroad the hms eagle. inside him burned a desire to experience the world and put forth his small measure of goodness and change. then six years of war refashioned him, and when it was time to renew his commission, he declined. a lack of advancement and ships to captain also ensured an easier decision.

nodding, ) Just so, ma'am. I speak of the general, as in "we had a lovely time at tea today."

( though that is perhaps inaccurate if the firm set of mr hickinbottom's jaw was an indication to the contrary. in that, atticus finds yet another point of agreement with the gentleman. this gathering for tea has not been lovely, and to him, it shall be remembered as one of the worst. mr hickinbottom's glare, however, which is intended to scorch atticus's face with the intensity of a thousand suns, is instead a much-welcomed warmth to his soul. the corner of his mouth turns up, and when he hears miss bennet's observation, he's almost beaming at the sight of mr hickinbottom's misery.

so his voice is lively like the activity just outside the windows when he replies, ) Perhaps Poseidon, still determined to proclaim his presence despite the absence of worship, ensures the colour and clarity of such waters. ( atticus knows it is not so. but pretending so gives him an odd comfort; to think that nothing perished, and that every being who loved and wondered somehow also never perished. )

[ This is not the first man Mrs. Gardiner has heard speak with the soul of a poet, but it does concern her how she knows so little about him and he in turn seems close to her niece. Perhaps this evening she will subtly warn Mary off the idea of him as a suitable partner, though who can say if the advice will be understood. Lydia never paid a bit of mind to the advice she had been given by her aunt and the woman knows Mary has a penchant for only taking her own counsel and thinking herself right.

Her son nods sagely, having learnt of Poseidon not so long ago in his studies. The boy could probably stay enraptured by what Mr. Cartwright says for hours more, but his mother does give a polite indication that tea is drawing to a close and he should return upstairs. Mr. Hickinbottom is eager to depart, but he wants Mr. Cartwright to leave first so that he can shower Miss Bennet with his attentions without interruption. Mary has seemed disinclined to really look his way and at her aunt's prompting she does her duty in stating what a pleasure it was to have the gentlemen join them, etc. To Mr. Cartwright, she adds: ]

Will you be in London for much longer, sir?

[ It would be a boon to spend time with him again before they depart for Hertfordshire once more and return to their normal lives. ]

( to be thought of as too improper and inferior to be considered a suitor for miss bennet! the irony of such thought borders on absurdity. atticus would laugh if he knew. his father, meanwhile, would find no such humour, only offence, not on his son's behalf but on behalf of the family. a family which stretches back generations of wealth and eminence; and includes both branches of the english and capetian house of courtenay. the thought that miss mary bennet is proper and distinguised enough for their family itself plunges into absurdity.

while atticus does not share his father's arrogant pride, he would take a little offence at the presumption that he is without money and, therefore, without virtue. it is a prejudice he has endeavoured to avoid when he had money, title, and connections, and still, it follows him like a miasma. he is content with the things he has, and for the things he does not have, he does not work towards them with a slack hand. he is diligent in his dealings and careful in his attitude. never does the wish to harm the undeserving cross his heart, and it rarely does for the deserving (like mr hickinbottom).

although it is a concern not wholly without merit. being without personal fortune, miss bennet needs to secure a husband with current and future prospects.

so he confesses — he does agree with mrs gardiner. and if he suspected that miss bennet had formed an attachment to him, far exceeding what is appropriate to her status, he would be inclined to forgo visiting longbourn ever again. for her, their friendship may be a lark or a passing folly. knowingly or unknowingly is worth some debate, and perhaps one he shall engage in on the return travel to meryton. but he does not think this is the case. he prides himself on his ability to read people, and he believes miss bennet has been in want of companionship and excitement since her sisters have married and left. atticus's presence filled a void that will soon be replaced by her sister's wedding and her own not-too-distant nuptials. )

A few days more. ( sooner if he has his way. seizing the chance again, atticus stands to make his exit with the other gentlemen. ) Please forgive me, but I ought to leave now.

( "as shall we." mr gardiner kisses his wife on the cheek. "goodbye for now, my dear." mrs gardiner murmurs her farewells as all three gentlemen move towards the door and into the entryway. mr hickinbottom, however, lingers by the door, waiting for the opportunity to express his condolences about his sudden departure to miss bennet. already a plan forms in his mind to ask her for a drive in the park. perhaps the next evening or late afternoon at most likely hyde park, as it is the most popular of all the parks. he will have to see about borrowing a carriage, though some walk but that will not do for mr hickinbottom and his designs. before tomorrow, he will borrow a carriage and impress miss bennet with his riding skills.

just as atticus gathers his hat to depart, a small voice stops him. "are you leaving so soon, mr cartwright?"

atticus turns around, and it is young mr gardiner yet again, in front of him and staring up at him. forcing a smile, he apologises, ) I'm afraid so, Mr Gardiner.

( the lad pouts, "i had more questions to ask. but if you are leaving, i suppose i shall ask if you can answer just one more."

silently sighing to himself, atticus nods his head to give consent for the lad to ask his question. hopefully, it is simple enough that his answer can also be simple and brief.

"have you seen a camel?"

it is such an innocent question that it leaves atticus at a momentary loss for words. his smile becomes more natural, and mirth sways in his green eyes like the wind blowing through a meadow. he crouches down on one knee so they can speak to each other eye to eye, like proper gentlemen. ) Indeed I have. Not only that, I have ridden a camel with the Bedouin tribe in Northern Africa and even had the pleasure of being spat upon by one. ( his nose curls from the memory as robert gardiner laughs. truly, the lad is not bad. in him is a similar soul to atticus's: one that can hardly be contained in one's body and longs to see and experience new things and worlds. so atticus cannot begrudge the child for his questions, for he doubts he would've acted any differently if he met a man like himself as a child. it is just a tragedy that they find each other on a day when atticus has been locked in for too long and thus is not his normal self.

realising that mr cartwright's attention is diverted by mr gardiner's son, an unabated mr hickinbottom moves to an unattached miss bennet. what a perfect opportunity to present his invitation for the outing. he'll have to buy the brat a treat for the aid, however unintentional. )

[ Mary has never been the best at socializing, though she does try. She has, of course, read a variety of books on the matter but her skills at properly engaging in conversation with a whole party and knowing when to steer topics has always fell a little flat. Because of this, she is glad that the bulk of the work had fallen on her Aunt Gardiner and she could observe her in the hopes of taking something away from the encounter.

And now that the gentlemen are leaving she feels she could do with some quiet time alone in her guest room, perhaps with a book. Sadly her thoughts are interrupted once again by Mr. Hickinbottom, who expresses his deep regrets in being parted from her so soon. His behavior this afternoon has been quite odd, but at no point has he been reprimanded by her aunt or uncle and she's left to wonder if this is common behavior for men in London. He goes on to suggest the two take a carriage ride in Hyde Park on the morrow and Mary's eyes widen slightly at the boldness of the invitation. ]

Excuse me, but I do not believe it would be deemed proper.

[ Her eyes flicker to her aunt, seeking guidance, and her aunt too looks a little rattled by the suddenness of Mr. Hickinbottom's favor for her niece.

"I am the height of proper and your reputation is my chief concern," he replies with condescension. "Hyde Park is a very public place and all would see we are behaving properly." Aunt Gardiner calmly states that to meet in Hyde Park and take a turn is perfectly acceptable if a chaperone is present, but to leave from this house and travel to Hyde Park alone would not be. And so Mr. Hickinbottom switches tactics and tries to draw in Mrs. Gardiner or Kitty to act as chaperone. Mary doesn't know how to properly give the signal to her relations that she has no desire to attend and after a great deal of hemming and hawing she finds herself obliged to go the next day, though she insists Kitty ride with them too. Such is fine with Mr. Hickinbottom. He'll try and find an excuse to leave Kitty behind. Surely an engaged girl will be fine left to herself for ten or twenty minutes.

This arrangement leaves Mary with unsettled feelings and she rises from her seat to force Mr. Hickinbottom to leave by her movements alone. If he insists on lingering she will have to draw him to the door and all but shove him out onto the stoop. Leaving the room and entering the hall, she comes across her cousin and Mr. Cartwright still having a conversation on camels. Robert speaks of his desire to ride one and Mary settles her hands lightly on the boy's shoulders as she stands behind him to address the gentleman. ]

Thank you again for visiting, sir. If I do not see you before your departure, we will meet again at home.

[ The smile she gives him is one of her rare ones, heartfelt and transformative as her eyes nearly sparkle. Her newly discovered feelings will be known to her alone, but they're precious to her and she can't help how she feels. However, as Mr. Hickinbottom moves closer to her the smile shifts into something tight and restrained as she nods to him. ]

My sister and I shall meet you tomorrow, sir.

[ And with that she nods to the footman to open the door before Hickinbottom can think up another reason to delay. ]

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